TWW Musings

So you want to start a family, huh? You've been married a hot minute and it's time. Ok. Throw out all methods of birth control, and go at it like monkeys.

And nothing happens.


Welcome to world of TTC. A land where people speak in abbreviations, regularly pee on stick, wake up at ungodly hours of the morning to take their temperature. Where women log every single little physical reaction, feeling or impulse on either paper, or in a fancy iPhone app.

Where you window shop for baby things, and secretly cry when your friends announce that they're expecting. When every time your period arrives, you want to crawl in a hole and die.

The good news is, no matter how alone you feel, you aren't. I feel like I am on a teeny tiny blow up donut float out in the middle of the great big bad ocean with nothing but my little feet and hands to paddle me around. A long way from home, and all alone.


Let's start with the basics.

The Lingo. If you cruise the TTC boards at places like BabyCenter or theBump, you will see what looks like women speaking back and forth to each other in some kind of strange code. Let me break it down for you.

TTC - This one is simple. "Trying to Conceive."
BFN - Sadly, this is the "Big Fat Negative." We've ALL had (usually) more than one of these.
BFP - This one is a little happier. "Big Fat Positive." We ALL want one of these.
TWW - The dreaded "Two Week Wait." That space between ovulation and pregnancy or your period.
AF - Code for "Aunt Flow." That's code for your "period."
O - Ovulate/Ovulated/Ovulation.
OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kit, you will become very familiar with these lovely little things.
BBT - Stands for Basal Body Temperature, which is your body's temperature after 4 hours of sleep, it's basically your "core" temp, and when it spikes after being low for a certain amount of time, it usually means you have "O'd." If it stays up your BFP is usually right around the corner. Or you have the flu. In either case, calling a doctor is wise.
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test. The little pieces of plastic that we spend our life savings on every month only to have them keep coming up negative and therefore we chuck them out with the trash.
hCG- Basically this is that every illusive pregnancy hormone.
Clomid -  a drug that will cause you to lose your mind and make you ovulate all at the same time. 
DPO - "Days Past Ovulation."

Here's what a PCOS positive active TTCer's day looks like.

6am - wake up to the shrieking sounds of your alarm clock. But don't move. Slowly reach your hand over to your nightstand, find your thermometer and pop it in your mouth. Don't even blink. Seriously, you can't move before you take your BBT. Ok. So it's 97.6 this morning. Write it down or log it into your app. (I use OVIA fertility, fyi.)  Now, either go back to sleep, or get up.

Whilst eating breakfast you take your Metformin. And your Clomid. Lose your appetite. Spend the next 40 minutes in the bathroom losing 3 pounds. :) keeping.it.real.

Ok. Shower, please. Get dressed, go on with your day. Somewhere in the middle of the day, you need to take your OPK. Find a cup. (The little disposable paper cups are great for this, btw.) Pee in said cup. Dip your little paper stick down into it for 3 seconds and then pull it out. Wait. Do this every day until you get a positive. Positive OPK's are funny things. With an OPK the test line has to be as dark or darker than the control line for them to be positive. Once you get your positive, get your man home. PRONTO.

After that.... you wait. For two agonizing weeks, you wait. You read into every little symptom that you have, and even a few you don't have. "Oh my goodness, I have a headache." "Ooh, I tooted while I was grocery shopping before I could even stop it." "I feel a bit bloated." "Is that breast tenderness I have?" "Am I unusually tired, or is this regular tired?" Sometimes you flat out invent symptoms. They're not there, but your head says you are feeling them.

You will spend your days a nights combing through message boards online, reading posts where women who have gotten their "BFP's" give you a blow by blow of the whole two weeks. I'm guilty of this. A post I read had a woman listing a migraine at 4dpo, to which i exclaimed "SO DID I!!" It means nothing. It is coincidence. "At 7dpo, we got a positive test!" Said one woman. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom and used a Wondfo pregnancy test, which, of course, came out negative. Down in the dumps I go.


The deal is that TTC and Pregnancy are a very individual thing to the person. A little nausea may be all you have. My mother lost 17 pounds during her pregnancy with me because she was so sick. I wish I had photos to show you, it's OBVIOUS she was a sick sick lady. But just because she was so sick, doesn't mean I will be.

Who here is guilty of watching the tv show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!"? It's ok, you can admit it, this is a judgment free zone. I watched 3 episodes this morning.  And we sit there and think "how can these women not know they're pregnant?" But from all the sources I've been hip deep in lately, not having many, or any, symptoms can happen. I've known women that only discovered they were pregnant because they missed their period. They never had a pain, never had had morning sickness, everything was a breeze. Some women only start experiencing symptoms after they find out they're pregnant.



It's hard to be hopeful. Hard to read all these websites where people are experiencing the same things you are and are turning up pregnant, and then here I am, twiddling my thumbs, waiting. Am I or aren't I? That's the question. It's the TWW and it's driving me crazy.


I had my annual with my OB/GYN today. She's wonderful. She came in and was anxious to hear about what had happened. After telling her about our super positive OPK, she got very excited with me. It's hard when your doctor gets so excited. I know there is basically a 50/50 shot that it worked and I got pregnant. I have a 50% reason to get excited and a 50% reason to be very realistic. But it is SO HARD not to look at nursery ideas online, or check out the baby shoes while you're cruising through the consignment store. I had to move my laptop out of the spare room to write this, because being in that room (which will be baby's room at some point) was too hard for me.  It was so hard for me to be in town today and literally see bellies everywhere I went. Naturally the doctors waiting room was filled with them, but then I went shopping, and out to eat, and they were there too. It's just plain hard.


 
So, the wait continues. I'm feeling pretty lousy after today, emotionally and physically. THOSE exams are evasive and never fun, not even when your doctor offers you super cute, pink and flowery gowns to wear. Wear isn't the right word. Cover yourself with. Cause we know how it goes, all modesty goes out the door during your annual with you OB/GYN. This is a sheet with a hole in the top for your head to go through. I'm tired, a bit cranky, and just anxious for this weekend to pass and my life to move on one way or another.

So many prayers, and so much effort has been put into this battle, I can only hope that our victory is just around the corner. Not a moment of these 34 months has been easy. I've probably reached the limit on the tears I am allowed to shed and am in debt to the tear bank for the rest of eternity. I've questioned all the reasons, I've questioned God - which my Daddy always told me never to do. But it's hard, I tell you. You have so much love to give, and such a good life to bring a child into, and no baby, month after month after month...

I've been praying lately for the Lord to help me endure whatever is to come. Help me to deal with and accept a negative result, or to take on the added responsibility of a pregnancy and child and all that goes along with it, should my result be positive. I'm longing for the day when I can tell you we're expecting, but, it's not today, for sure. :(


PLEASE remember me, and my Aaron, in your prayers as we wait on the Lord. We know all of this is in HIS hands. We just have to hold on. I keep remembering what Aaron's Mamaw told us. "Kids, hold on. It's coming. I believe it. Hold on." My knuckles are bloody and raw Mamaw, but I'm holding on.